I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
