Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
