When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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