Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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