Your dad touched me again.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
