The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
