so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
