Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
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IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
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You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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