I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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