so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize