and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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