I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
