My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
there is glitter all over my balls
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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