sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
