so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
