I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize