Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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