dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
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I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
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It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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