Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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