i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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