I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
i think my cat just said my name.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
