SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
