Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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