Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
