I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.