the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
So much Jack, so little girl.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit