I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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