Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
