My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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