My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
