I'm going to jail i love you
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
