"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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