You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
