is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
