obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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