How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
