if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Randomize
