Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
