I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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