dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
