He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
