Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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