escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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