saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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