I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
