u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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