Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
