We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
