I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
