i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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