You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
