my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
