tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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