I'm gonna have a badass scar
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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