if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
