oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
