Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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