God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
why is half of my head shaved?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
