Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
