How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
