I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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